Monday, June 21, 2010
Surprise!
It just occurred to me that it has officially been over 6 months since I have stopped taking medication for depression. I am really excited about this. It has definitely been a hard 6+ months but well worth it. I see nothing wrong with taking medication but since last semester it has been a goal of mine to continue my life without it. I feel with God's help and the support of my family and friends I can learn to control/deal with it. The first 3 months were the hardest and I definitely made a few mistakes here and there because of it, but I am finally grasping the proper mentality to keep it under control. These last few months have been awesome! All thanks and praise to my Savior, Jesus Christ! As I grow deeper in love with him, the depression subsides and happiness grows. I pray it continues to grow drastically and even deeper! Please be in prayer as I continue this new phase in my life. I look forward to what God has in store! :)
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
Sunday, May 2, 2010
Why?
Once again I find myself asking "that" question again.
WHY? Did you make me this way God? Why?
I am so scared.
WHY? Did you make me this way God? Why?
I am so scared.
Sunday, April 25, 2010
Current Favorite Listen...
"The Only Exception"
by: Paramore
When I was younger
I saw my daddy cry
And curse at the wind
He broke his own heart
And I watched
As he tried to reassemble it
And my momma swore that
She would never let herself forget
And that was the day that I promised
I'd never sing of love
If it does not exist
But darling,
You, are, the only exception
You, are, the only exception
You, are, the only exception
You, are, the only exception
Maybe I know, somewhere
Deep in my soul
That love never lasts
And we've got to find other ways
To make it alone
Keep a straight face
And I've always lived like this
Keeping a comfortable, distance
And up until now
I had sworn to myself that I'm
Content with loneliness
Because none of it was ever worth the risk
Well, You, are, the only exception
You, are, the only exception
You, are, the only exception
You, are, the only exception
I've got a tight grip on reality
But I can't
Let go of what's in front of me here
I know you're leaving
In the morning, when you wake up
Leave me with some kind of proof it's not a dream
Ohh---
You, are, the only exception
You, are, the only exception
You, are, the only exception
You, are, the only exception
You, are, the only exception
You, are, the only exception
You, are, the only exception
You, are, the only exception
And I'm on my way to believing
Oh, And I'm on my way to believing
by: Paramore
When I was younger
I saw my daddy cry
And curse at the wind
He broke his own heart
And I watched
As he tried to reassemble it
And my momma swore that
She would never let herself forget
And that was the day that I promised
I'd never sing of love
If it does not exist
But darling,
You, are, the only exception
You, are, the only exception
You, are, the only exception
You, are, the only exception
Maybe I know, somewhere
Deep in my soul
That love never lasts
And we've got to find other ways
To make it alone
Keep a straight face
And I've always lived like this
Keeping a comfortable, distance
And up until now
I had sworn to myself that I'm
Content with loneliness
Because none of it was ever worth the risk
Well, You, are, the only exception
You, are, the only exception
You, are, the only exception
You, are, the only exception
I've got a tight grip on reality
But I can't
Let go of what's in front of me here
I know you're leaving
In the morning, when you wake up
Leave me with some kind of proof it's not a dream
Ohh---
You, are, the only exception
You, are, the only exception
You, are, the only exception
You, are, the only exception
You, are, the only exception
You, are, the only exception
You, are, the only exception
You, are, the only exception
And I'm on my way to believing
Oh, And I'm on my way to believing
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
Holy Affections
First off, I must say the last few posts have not been at all "depressing" or even related to "suicide" but are in my mind nonetheless. (I could not be more thankful for God moving in me each and every second)
Now. Breakaway (once again) was incredible. Ben Stuart is so blessed to be used by God to speak such truth and clearly at that. Tonight we discussed the longings of the heart and what we choose to do with them. We have two specific desires: the desire to make an impact/difference and desire for intimacy with another. Both of these I long/desire for everyday. As Ben explained, these desires are actually alright to have. In fact, God calls us to desire on an even deeper level. Where it begins to matter most, is what you decide to do with these desires. I forget whom Ben quoted but it read, "Sin is taking a legitimate desire into an illegitimate place." The desire is not evil, the misplacement of it is. He proceeds to discuss the story of the woman at the well, but unfortuantely I cannot even begin to explain it as well as he did. (Please check out the podcast at www.breakawayministries.com) We can have these desires as long as they are surrendered completely to God. As Ben stated so well, "We must loose our lives in order to find them." Turn loose of everything, but God alone, and then He will give you the desires of your heart according to His purpose. He, alone, knows what you need. He, alone, is the only satisfaction. Give everything to him, including affections, and He will provide. Love the Lord with ALL your heart, and then will duty spring from there. "For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also." ~Luke 12:34 Such a simple verse I believe a lot of us overlook and ignore its depth. So I challenge you, fall in love with your Savior, for He is so in love with you.
P.S. This song fits perfectly. So simple (like Luke 12:34) but so true:
"Forever Love"
by: Francesca Battistelli
You are my forever love
You are my forever love
You are my forever love
You are my forever love
From the bottom of my heart I’ll sing to You
From the depths of who I am I love You
With everything inside I’ll run to You
‘Cause all that I’ve become I owe to You
(Chorus)
From the bottom of my heart I’ll sing to You
From the depths of who I am I love You
With everything inside I’ll run to You
‘Cause all that I’ve become I owe to You
(Chorus)
Nothing in this world could ever separate us
I will love You more than anyone on earth
Nothing I desire could ever satisfy me the way that You do
Listen to it here:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VPlvDtpYi_g
Now. Breakaway (once again) was incredible. Ben Stuart is so blessed to be used by God to speak such truth and clearly at that. Tonight we discussed the longings of the heart and what we choose to do with them. We have two specific desires: the desire to make an impact/difference and desire for intimacy with another. Both of these I long/desire for everyday. As Ben explained, these desires are actually alright to have. In fact, God calls us to desire on an even deeper level. Where it begins to matter most, is what you decide to do with these desires. I forget whom Ben quoted but it read, "Sin is taking a legitimate desire into an illegitimate place." The desire is not evil, the misplacement of it is. He proceeds to discuss the story of the woman at the well, but unfortuantely I cannot even begin to explain it as well as he did. (Please check out the podcast at www.breakawayministries.com) We can have these desires as long as they are surrendered completely to God. As Ben stated so well, "We must loose our lives in order to find them." Turn loose of everything, but God alone, and then He will give you the desires of your heart according to His purpose. He, alone, knows what you need. He, alone, is the only satisfaction. Give everything to him, including affections, and He will provide. Love the Lord with ALL your heart, and then will duty spring from there. "For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also." ~Luke 12:34 Such a simple verse I believe a lot of us overlook and ignore its depth. So I challenge you, fall in love with your Savior, for He is so in love with you.
P.S. This song fits perfectly. So simple (like Luke 12:34) but so true:
"Forever Love"
by: Francesca Battistelli
You are my forever love
You are my forever love
You are my forever love
You are my forever love
From the bottom of my heart I’ll sing to You
From the depths of who I am I love You
With everything inside I’ll run to You
‘Cause all that I’ve become I owe to You
(Chorus)
From the bottom of my heart I’ll sing to You
From the depths of who I am I love You
With everything inside I’ll run to You
‘Cause all that I’ve become I owe to You
(Chorus)
Nothing in this world could ever separate us
I will love You more than anyone on earth
Nothing I desire could ever satisfy me the way that You do
Listen to it here:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VPlvDtpYi_g
Friday, April 9, 2010
Current favorite song...
God Gave Me You
by: Dave Barnes
I’ve been a walking heartache
I’ve made a mess of me
The person that I’ve been lately
Ain’t who I wanna be
But you stay here right beside me
Watch as the storm goes through
And I need you
God gave me you for the ups and downs
God gave me you for the days of doubt
For when I think I’ve lost my way
There are no words here left to say, it’s true
God gave me you
There’s more here than what were seeing
A divine conspiracy
That you, an angel lovely
Could somehow fall for me
You’ll always be love’s great martyr
I'll be the flattered fool
I need you
God gave me you for the ups and downs
God gave me you for the days of doubt
For when I think I’ve lost my way
There are no words here left to say, it’s true
God gave me you
On my own I’m only
Half of what I could be
I can’t do without you
We are stitched together
And what love has tethered
I could baby, never undo
God gave me you for the ups and downs
God gave me you for the days of doubt
God gave me you for the ups and downs
God gave me you for the days of doubt
For when I think I’ve lost my way
There are no words here left to say, it’s true
God gave me you, gave me you.
Gave me you.
by: Dave Barnes
I’ve been a walking heartache
I’ve made a mess of me
The person that I’ve been lately
Ain’t who I wanna be
But you stay here right beside me
Watch as the storm goes through
And I need you
God gave me you for the ups and downs
God gave me you for the days of doubt
For when I think I’ve lost my way
There are no words here left to say, it’s true
God gave me you
There’s more here than what were seeing
A divine conspiracy
That you, an angel lovely
Could somehow fall for me
You’ll always be love’s great martyr
I'll be the flattered fool
I need you
God gave me you for the ups and downs
God gave me you for the days of doubt
For when I think I’ve lost my way
There are no words here left to say, it’s true
God gave me you
On my own I’m only
Half of what I could be
I can’t do without you
We are stitched together
And what love has tethered
I could baby, never undo
God gave me you for the ups and downs
God gave me you for the days of doubt
God gave me you for the ups and downs
God gave me you for the days of doubt
For when I think I’ve lost my way
There are no words here left to say, it’s true
God gave me you, gave me you.
Gave me you.
Friday, April 2, 2010
Someday (If God is willing)
I wrote this once. I accidentally deleted it all. Frustration. I shall try again.
Bare with me. I must vent; be vulnerable, I do not want to be but I have promised. This may not make sense, be grammarly correct, or follow a specific topic, but it is how my mind works. Only I can truly understand it.
I received a message from a friend today. I am going to call this person Seeker. For that is what Seeker is doing, seeking. Seeking advice from me. I'm the last person to offer advice right now. Their advice they seek is regarding a particular romantic relationship. Again, last person to ask. In doing so, reading the lovely ideas Seeker has to win back the love, it has caused me to wonder, to daydream, to cry, and then question. I wonder about the moments we (my future husband and I) will share together. Delightful and unpleasant. I daydream of the memories we will one day have. I cry about the possiblities of never finding that, never having it, and never being truly accepted for all of me. And I question if thinking about the one I am destined to be with (if I am destined to be with someone at all) is even okay. And again, I question if there is even someone out there that will love me for all my screw-ups, insecurities, and passions.
My thoughts:
I believe it is okay. To pray for someone to share your passions with as long as it is focused strictly on God. So I dream. Almost continually/constantly. All relating God, but half spiritual love (regarding serving, passions, goals, helping others, etc.) and half romantic love (regarding falling in love, future spouse, etc). (Not saying this "romantice love" isn't spiritual as well, it should be.) Tonight it is the last mentioned. I dream of being loved. The process of falling in love. Cared for. Especially sought after. Chased. Wanted. It is in every girls dreams. God gave us these dreams. God gave us these passions to serve a man of God. I know I am not alone. In turn I know I am loved, cared for, sought after, chased and wanted by my one and only Savior. It delights me truly! Believeing this is sometimes an issue, but as I grow in Him, the more I believe it. I know He alone is my forever love and no one else can truly provide happiness in my life. And so I serve Him. But as I said, I still pray for whomever I may be with. So this is my prayer:
God,
Daddy I want a man of You. I want Him to love you with everything he has. I want him to be faithful to You every single day. I know it will be hard but Daddy I pray he tries with all his heart. I don't know where he is, what he is doing, but Daddy I pray it is for you. I pray he doesn't get caught up in the desires of this world. There is so much ugliness in this world enticing him each step he takes, Daddy, I pray he refuses to go near it. My heart cries right now for him whether I've met him or not. Grab hold of his heart and keep him grounded. Keep his steps steady and straight. Daddy, I pray he is respectful, kind, gentle. I pray he is real. I pray he shares the desires of my heart as well. I want to work with him, encourage him, be beside him in your's, his, and my passions every step of the the journey we will get to take together. Daddy, I pray he is passionate. Passionate for others, serving others, putting others before himself daily. Specifically, Daddy, I pray you send me a man in minitires. It is my passion to serve/minister others and I want him to share it with me. I know you alone can provide that. I pray he is spontateous, goofy, and loving. I pray we will laugh often as we learn and grow together. I pray we will cry often as we serve and grow to know/share the hearts of others together. Daddy, as tears fill my eyes now, I pray more than anything he is forgiving. I know there will be hurt as the day comes to confess our screw ups with one another, but Daddy I pray he will still love me, as You love me. The very thought scares me to death. And Daddy, I pray for myself. I pray I can be everything You need me to be for him. I pray, right now, I learn to grow in You alone, love as You love, serve as You serve, forgive as You forgive, and then use that when our journeys cross and become as one. Daddy, be with him, be with me. I love you. Let him know somehow I love him as well. Until then, Amen.
Bare with me. I must vent; be vulnerable, I do not want to be but I have promised. This may not make sense, be grammarly correct, or follow a specific topic, but it is how my mind works. Only I can truly understand it.
I received a message from a friend today. I am going to call this person Seeker. For that is what Seeker is doing, seeking. Seeking advice from me. I'm the last person to offer advice right now. Their advice they seek is regarding a particular romantic relationship. Again, last person to ask. In doing so, reading the lovely ideas Seeker has to win back the love, it has caused me to wonder, to daydream, to cry, and then question. I wonder about the moments we (my future husband and I) will share together. Delightful and unpleasant. I daydream of the memories we will one day have. I cry about the possiblities of never finding that, never having it, and never being truly accepted for all of me. And I question if thinking about the one I am destined to be with (if I am destined to be with someone at all) is even okay. And again, I question if there is even someone out there that will love me for all my screw-ups, insecurities, and passions.
My thoughts:
I believe it is okay. To pray for someone to share your passions with as long as it is focused strictly on God. So I dream. Almost continually/constantly. All relating God, but half spiritual love (regarding serving, passions, goals, helping others, etc.) and half romantic love (regarding falling in love, future spouse, etc). (Not saying this "romantice love" isn't spiritual as well, it should be.) Tonight it is the last mentioned. I dream of being loved. The process of falling in love. Cared for. Especially sought after. Chased. Wanted. It is in every girls dreams. God gave us these dreams. God gave us these passions to serve a man of God. I know I am not alone. In turn I know I am loved, cared for, sought after, chased and wanted by my one and only Savior. It delights me truly! Believeing this is sometimes an issue, but as I grow in Him, the more I believe it. I know He alone is my forever love and no one else can truly provide happiness in my life. And so I serve Him. But as I said, I still pray for whomever I may be with. So this is my prayer:
God,
Daddy I want a man of You. I want Him to love you with everything he has. I want him to be faithful to You every single day. I know it will be hard but Daddy I pray he tries with all his heart. I don't know where he is, what he is doing, but Daddy I pray it is for you. I pray he doesn't get caught up in the desires of this world. There is so much ugliness in this world enticing him each step he takes, Daddy, I pray he refuses to go near it. My heart cries right now for him whether I've met him or not. Grab hold of his heart and keep him grounded. Keep his steps steady and straight. Daddy, I pray he is respectful, kind, gentle. I pray he is real. I pray he shares the desires of my heart as well. I want to work with him, encourage him, be beside him in your's, his, and my passions every step of the the journey we will get to take together. Daddy, I pray he is passionate. Passionate for others, serving others, putting others before himself daily. Specifically, Daddy, I pray you send me a man in minitires. It is my passion to serve/minister others and I want him to share it with me. I know you alone can provide that. I pray he is spontateous, goofy, and loving. I pray we will laugh often as we learn and grow together. I pray we will cry often as we serve and grow to know/share the hearts of others together. Daddy, as tears fill my eyes now, I pray more than anything he is forgiving. I know there will be hurt as the day comes to confess our screw ups with one another, but Daddy I pray he will still love me, as You love me. The very thought scares me to death. And Daddy, I pray for myself. I pray I can be everything You need me to be for him. I pray, right now, I learn to grow in You alone, love as You love, serve as You serve, forgive as You forgive, and then use that when our journeys cross and become as one. Daddy, be with him, be with me. I love you. Let him know somehow I love him as well. Until then, Amen.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)