Monday, June 21, 2010
Surprise!
It just occurred to me that it has officially been over 6 months since I have stopped taking medication for depression. I am really excited about this. It has definitely been a hard 6+ months but well worth it. I see nothing wrong with taking medication but since last semester it has been a goal of mine to continue my life without it. I feel with God's help and the support of my family and friends I can learn to control/deal with it. The first 3 months were the hardest and I definitely made a few mistakes here and there because of it, but I am finally grasping the proper mentality to keep it under control. These last few months have been awesome! All thanks and praise to my Savior, Jesus Christ! As I grow deeper in love with him, the depression subsides and happiness grows. I pray it continues to grow drastically and even deeper! Please be in prayer as I continue this new phase in my life. I look forward to what God has in store! :)
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
Sunday, May 2, 2010
Why?
Once again I find myself asking "that" question again.
WHY? Did you make me this way God? Why?
I am so scared.
WHY? Did you make me this way God? Why?
I am so scared.
Sunday, April 25, 2010
Current Favorite Listen...
"The Only Exception"
by: Paramore
When I was younger
I saw my daddy cry
And curse at the wind
He broke his own heart
And I watched
As he tried to reassemble it
And my momma swore that
She would never let herself forget
And that was the day that I promised
I'd never sing of love
If it does not exist
But darling,
You, are, the only exception
You, are, the only exception
You, are, the only exception
You, are, the only exception
Maybe I know, somewhere
Deep in my soul
That love never lasts
And we've got to find other ways
To make it alone
Keep a straight face
And I've always lived like this
Keeping a comfortable, distance
And up until now
I had sworn to myself that I'm
Content with loneliness
Because none of it was ever worth the risk
Well, You, are, the only exception
You, are, the only exception
You, are, the only exception
You, are, the only exception
I've got a tight grip on reality
But I can't
Let go of what's in front of me here
I know you're leaving
In the morning, when you wake up
Leave me with some kind of proof it's not a dream
Ohh---
You, are, the only exception
You, are, the only exception
You, are, the only exception
You, are, the only exception
You, are, the only exception
You, are, the only exception
You, are, the only exception
You, are, the only exception
And I'm on my way to believing
Oh, And I'm on my way to believing
by: Paramore
When I was younger
I saw my daddy cry
And curse at the wind
He broke his own heart
And I watched
As he tried to reassemble it
And my momma swore that
She would never let herself forget
And that was the day that I promised
I'd never sing of love
If it does not exist
But darling,
You, are, the only exception
You, are, the only exception
You, are, the only exception
You, are, the only exception
Maybe I know, somewhere
Deep in my soul
That love never lasts
And we've got to find other ways
To make it alone
Keep a straight face
And I've always lived like this
Keeping a comfortable, distance
And up until now
I had sworn to myself that I'm
Content with loneliness
Because none of it was ever worth the risk
Well, You, are, the only exception
You, are, the only exception
You, are, the only exception
You, are, the only exception
I've got a tight grip on reality
But I can't
Let go of what's in front of me here
I know you're leaving
In the morning, when you wake up
Leave me with some kind of proof it's not a dream
Ohh---
You, are, the only exception
You, are, the only exception
You, are, the only exception
You, are, the only exception
You, are, the only exception
You, are, the only exception
You, are, the only exception
You, are, the only exception
And I'm on my way to believing
Oh, And I'm on my way to believing
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
Holy Affections
First off, I must say the last few posts have not been at all "depressing" or even related to "suicide" but are in my mind nonetheless. (I could not be more thankful for God moving in me each and every second)
Now. Breakaway (once again) was incredible. Ben Stuart is so blessed to be used by God to speak such truth and clearly at that. Tonight we discussed the longings of the heart and what we choose to do with them. We have two specific desires: the desire to make an impact/difference and desire for intimacy with another. Both of these I long/desire for everyday. As Ben explained, these desires are actually alright to have. In fact, God calls us to desire on an even deeper level. Where it begins to matter most, is what you decide to do with these desires. I forget whom Ben quoted but it read, "Sin is taking a legitimate desire into an illegitimate place." The desire is not evil, the misplacement of it is. He proceeds to discuss the story of the woman at the well, but unfortuantely I cannot even begin to explain it as well as he did. (Please check out the podcast at www.breakawayministries.com) We can have these desires as long as they are surrendered completely to God. As Ben stated so well, "We must loose our lives in order to find them." Turn loose of everything, but God alone, and then He will give you the desires of your heart according to His purpose. He, alone, knows what you need. He, alone, is the only satisfaction. Give everything to him, including affections, and He will provide. Love the Lord with ALL your heart, and then will duty spring from there. "For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also." ~Luke 12:34 Such a simple verse I believe a lot of us overlook and ignore its depth. So I challenge you, fall in love with your Savior, for He is so in love with you.
P.S. This song fits perfectly. So simple (like Luke 12:34) but so true:
"Forever Love"
by: Francesca Battistelli
You are my forever love
You are my forever love
You are my forever love
You are my forever love
From the bottom of my heart I’ll sing to You
From the depths of who I am I love You
With everything inside I’ll run to You
‘Cause all that I’ve become I owe to You
(Chorus)
From the bottom of my heart I’ll sing to You
From the depths of who I am I love You
With everything inside I’ll run to You
‘Cause all that I’ve become I owe to You
(Chorus)
Nothing in this world could ever separate us
I will love You more than anyone on earth
Nothing I desire could ever satisfy me the way that You do
Listen to it here:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VPlvDtpYi_g
Now. Breakaway (once again) was incredible. Ben Stuart is so blessed to be used by God to speak such truth and clearly at that. Tonight we discussed the longings of the heart and what we choose to do with them. We have two specific desires: the desire to make an impact/difference and desire for intimacy with another. Both of these I long/desire for everyday. As Ben explained, these desires are actually alright to have. In fact, God calls us to desire on an even deeper level. Where it begins to matter most, is what you decide to do with these desires. I forget whom Ben quoted but it read, "Sin is taking a legitimate desire into an illegitimate place." The desire is not evil, the misplacement of it is. He proceeds to discuss the story of the woman at the well, but unfortuantely I cannot even begin to explain it as well as he did. (Please check out the podcast at www.breakawayministries.com) We can have these desires as long as they are surrendered completely to God. As Ben stated so well, "We must loose our lives in order to find them." Turn loose of everything, but God alone, and then He will give you the desires of your heart according to His purpose. He, alone, knows what you need. He, alone, is the only satisfaction. Give everything to him, including affections, and He will provide. Love the Lord with ALL your heart, and then will duty spring from there. "For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also." ~Luke 12:34 Such a simple verse I believe a lot of us overlook and ignore its depth. So I challenge you, fall in love with your Savior, for He is so in love with you.
P.S. This song fits perfectly. So simple (like Luke 12:34) but so true:
"Forever Love"
by: Francesca Battistelli
You are my forever love
You are my forever love
You are my forever love
You are my forever love
From the bottom of my heart I’ll sing to You
From the depths of who I am I love You
With everything inside I’ll run to You
‘Cause all that I’ve become I owe to You
(Chorus)
From the bottom of my heart I’ll sing to You
From the depths of who I am I love You
With everything inside I’ll run to You
‘Cause all that I’ve become I owe to You
(Chorus)
Nothing in this world could ever separate us
I will love You more than anyone on earth
Nothing I desire could ever satisfy me the way that You do
Listen to it here:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VPlvDtpYi_g
Friday, April 9, 2010
Current favorite song...
God Gave Me You
by: Dave Barnes
I’ve been a walking heartache
I’ve made a mess of me
The person that I’ve been lately
Ain’t who I wanna be
But you stay here right beside me
Watch as the storm goes through
And I need you
God gave me you for the ups and downs
God gave me you for the days of doubt
For when I think I’ve lost my way
There are no words here left to say, it’s true
God gave me you
There’s more here than what were seeing
A divine conspiracy
That you, an angel lovely
Could somehow fall for me
You’ll always be love’s great martyr
I'll be the flattered fool
I need you
God gave me you for the ups and downs
God gave me you for the days of doubt
For when I think I’ve lost my way
There are no words here left to say, it’s true
God gave me you
On my own I’m only
Half of what I could be
I can’t do without you
We are stitched together
And what love has tethered
I could baby, never undo
God gave me you for the ups and downs
God gave me you for the days of doubt
God gave me you for the ups and downs
God gave me you for the days of doubt
For when I think I’ve lost my way
There are no words here left to say, it’s true
God gave me you, gave me you.
Gave me you.
by: Dave Barnes
I’ve been a walking heartache
I’ve made a mess of me
The person that I’ve been lately
Ain’t who I wanna be
But you stay here right beside me
Watch as the storm goes through
And I need you
God gave me you for the ups and downs
God gave me you for the days of doubt
For when I think I’ve lost my way
There are no words here left to say, it’s true
God gave me you
There’s more here than what were seeing
A divine conspiracy
That you, an angel lovely
Could somehow fall for me
You’ll always be love’s great martyr
I'll be the flattered fool
I need you
God gave me you for the ups and downs
God gave me you for the days of doubt
For when I think I’ve lost my way
There are no words here left to say, it’s true
God gave me you
On my own I’m only
Half of what I could be
I can’t do without you
We are stitched together
And what love has tethered
I could baby, never undo
God gave me you for the ups and downs
God gave me you for the days of doubt
God gave me you for the ups and downs
God gave me you for the days of doubt
For when I think I’ve lost my way
There are no words here left to say, it’s true
God gave me you, gave me you.
Gave me you.
Friday, April 2, 2010
Someday (If God is willing)
I wrote this once. I accidentally deleted it all. Frustration. I shall try again.
Bare with me. I must vent; be vulnerable, I do not want to be but I have promised. This may not make sense, be grammarly correct, or follow a specific topic, but it is how my mind works. Only I can truly understand it.
I received a message from a friend today. I am going to call this person Seeker. For that is what Seeker is doing, seeking. Seeking advice from me. I'm the last person to offer advice right now. Their advice they seek is regarding a particular romantic relationship. Again, last person to ask. In doing so, reading the lovely ideas Seeker has to win back the love, it has caused me to wonder, to daydream, to cry, and then question. I wonder about the moments we (my future husband and I) will share together. Delightful and unpleasant. I daydream of the memories we will one day have. I cry about the possiblities of never finding that, never having it, and never being truly accepted for all of me. And I question if thinking about the one I am destined to be with (if I am destined to be with someone at all) is even okay. And again, I question if there is even someone out there that will love me for all my screw-ups, insecurities, and passions.
My thoughts:
I believe it is okay. To pray for someone to share your passions with as long as it is focused strictly on God. So I dream. Almost continually/constantly. All relating God, but half spiritual love (regarding serving, passions, goals, helping others, etc.) and half romantic love (regarding falling in love, future spouse, etc). (Not saying this "romantice love" isn't spiritual as well, it should be.) Tonight it is the last mentioned. I dream of being loved. The process of falling in love. Cared for. Especially sought after. Chased. Wanted. It is in every girls dreams. God gave us these dreams. God gave us these passions to serve a man of God. I know I am not alone. In turn I know I am loved, cared for, sought after, chased and wanted by my one and only Savior. It delights me truly! Believeing this is sometimes an issue, but as I grow in Him, the more I believe it. I know He alone is my forever love and no one else can truly provide happiness in my life. And so I serve Him. But as I said, I still pray for whomever I may be with. So this is my prayer:
God,
Daddy I want a man of You. I want Him to love you with everything he has. I want him to be faithful to You every single day. I know it will be hard but Daddy I pray he tries with all his heart. I don't know where he is, what he is doing, but Daddy I pray it is for you. I pray he doesn't get caught up in the desires of this world. There is so much ugliness in this world enticing him each step he takes, Daddy, I pray he refuses to go near it. My heart cries right now for him whether I've met him or not. Grab hold of his heart and keep him grounded. Keep his steps steady and straight. Daddy, I pray he is respectful, kind, gentle. I pray he is real. I pray he shares the desires of my heart as well. I want to work with him, encourage him, be beside him in your's, his, and my passions every step of the the journey we will get to take together. Daddy, I pray he is passionate. Passionate for others, serving others, putting others before himself daily. Specifically, Daddy, I pray you send me a man in minitires. It is my passion to serve/minister others and I want him to share it with me. I know you alone can provide that. I pray he is spontateous, goofy, and loving. I pray we will laugh often as we learn and grow together. I pray we will cry often as we serve and grow to know/share the hearts of others together. Daddy, as tears fill my eyes now, I pray more than anything he is forgiving. I know there will be hurt as the day comes to confess our screw ups with one another, but Daddy I pray he will still love me, as You love me. The very thought scares me to death. And Daddy, I pray for myself. I pray I can be everything You need me to be for him. I pray, right now, I learn to grow in You alone, love as You love, serve as You serve, forgive as You forgive, and then use that when our journeys cross and become as one. Daddy, be with him, be with me. I love you. Let him know somehow I love him as well. Until then, Amen.
Bare with me. I must vent; be vulnerable, I do not want to be but I have promised. This may not make sense, be grammarly correct, or follow a specific topic, but it is how my mind works. Only I can truly understand it.
I received a message from a friend today. I am going to call this person Seeker. For that is what Seeker is doing, seeking. Seeking advice from me. I'm the last person to offer advice right now. Their advice they seek is regarding a particular romantic relationship. Again, last person to ask. In doing so, reading the lovely ideas Seeker has to win back the love, it has caused me to wonder, to daydream, to cry, and then question. I wonder about the moments we (my future husband and I) will share together. Delightful and unpleasant. I daydream of the memories we will one day have. I cry about the possiblities of never finding that, never having it, and never being truly accepted for all of me. And I question if thinking about the one I am destined to be with (if I am destined to be with someone at all) is even okay. And again, I question if there is even someone out there that will love me for all my screw-ups, insecurities, and passions.
My thoughts:
I believe it is okay. To pray for someone to share your passions with as long as it is focused strictly on God. So I dream. Almost continually/constantly. All relating God, but half spiritual love (regarding serving, passions, goals, helping others, etc.) and half romantic love (regarding falling in love, future spouse, etc). (Not saying this "romantice love" isn't spiritual as well, it should be.) Tonight it is the last mentioned. I dream of being loved. The process of falling in love. Cared for. Especially sought after. Chased. Wanted. It is in every girls dreams. God gave us these dreams. God gave us these passions to serve a man of God. I know I am not alone. In turn I know I am loved, cared for, sought after, chased and wanted by my one and only Savior. It delights me truly! Believeing this is sometimes an issue, but as I grow in Him, the more I believe it. I know He alone is my forever love and no one else can truly provide happiness in my life. And so I serve Him. But as I said, I still pray for whomever I may be with. So this is my prayer:
God,
Daddy I want a man of You. I want Him to love you with everything he has. I want him to be faithful to You every single day. I know it will be hard but Daddy I pray he tries with all his heart. I don't know where he is, what he is doing, but Daddy I pray it is for you. I pray he doesn't get caught up in the desires of this world. There is so much ugliness in this world enticing him each step he takes, Daddy, I pray he refuses to go near it. My heart cries right now for him whether I've met him or not. Grab hold of his heart and keep him grounded. Keep his steps steady and straight. Daddy, I pray he is respectful, kind, gentle. I pray he is real. I pray he shares the desires of my heart as well. I want to work with him, encourage him, be beside him in your's, his, and my passions every step of the the journey we will get to take together. Daddy, I pray he is passionate. Passionate for others, serving others, putting others before himself daily. Specifically, Daddy, I pray you send me a man in minitires. It is my passion to serve/minister others and I want him to share it with me. I know you alone can provide that. I pray he is spontateous, goofy, and loving. I pray we will laugh often as we learn and grow together. I pray we will cry often as we serve and grow to know/share the hearts of others together. Daddy, as tears fill my eyes now, I pray more than anything he is forgiving. I know there will be hurt as the day comes to confess our screw ups with one another, but Daddy I pray he will still love me, as You love me. The very thought scares me to death. And Daddy, I pray for myself. I pray I can be everything You need me to be for him. I pray, right now, I learn to grow in You alone, love as You love, serve as You serve, forgive as You forgive, and then use that when our journeys cross and become as one. Daddy, be with him, be with me. I love you. Let him know somehow I love him as well. Until then, Amen.
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
Since I can't express it in my own words...
I have chosen this song to do it for me. :)
Beautiful, Beautiful
by: Francesa Battistelli
Don't know how it is You looked at me
And saw the person that I could be
Awakening my heart
Breaking through the dark
Suddenly Your grace
Like sunlight burning at midnight
Making my life something so
Beautiful, beautiful
Mercy reaching to save me
All that I need
You are so
Beautiful, beautiful
Now there's a joy inside I can't contain
But even perfect days can end in rain
And though it's pouring down
I see You through the clouds
Shining on my face
Like sunlight burning at midnight
Making my life something so
Beautiful, beautiful
Mercy reaching to save me
All that I need
You are so
Beautiful, beautiful
I have come undone
But I have just begun
Changing by Your grace
Like sunlight burning at midnight
Making my life something so
Beautiful, beautiful
Mercy reaching to save me
All that I need
You are so beautiful
Like sunlight burning at midnight
Making my life something so
Beautiful, beautiful
Mercy reaching to save me
All that I need
You are so
Beautiful, beautiful
Beautiful, beautiful
Beautiful, Beautiful
by: Francesa Battistelli
Don't know how it is You looked at me
And saw the person that I could be
Awakening my heart
Breaking through the dark
Suddenly Your grace
Like sunlight burning at midnight
Making my life something so
Beautiful, beautiful
Mercy reaching to save me
All that I need
You are so
Beautiful, beautiful
Now there's a joy inside I can't contain
But even perfect days can end in rain
And though it's pouring down
I see You through the clouds
Shining on my face
Like sunlight burning at midnight
Making my life something so
Beautiful, beautiful
Mercy reaching to save me
All that I need
You are so
Beautiful, beautiful
I have come undone
But I have just begun
Changing by Your grace
Like sunlight burning at midnight
Making my life something so
Beautiful, beautiful
Mercy reaching to save me
All that I need
You are so beautiful
Like sunlight burning at midnight
Making my life something so
Beautiful, beautiful
Mercy reaching to save me
All that I need
You are so
Beautiful, beautiful
Beautiful, beautiful
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
I write to you in candle light...
Literally.
And can I just say it is absolutely one of my all time favorite things to do. Light every candle in my room (and might I add, I have a lot), play some Explosions In The Sky on the iHome, and go with it.
Tonight I painted.
And can I just say it is absolutely one of my all time favorite things to do. Light every candle in my room (and might I add, I have a lot), play some Explosions In The Sky on the iHome, and go with it.
Tonight I painted.
Please, take a listen...
http://breakawayministries.org/resources/?tab=3#TabbedPanels1
Click on March 23rd's podcast: A Wife for Isaac.
Make sure to listen to the whole thing. Wonderful.
In conclusion:
I want to marry someone in minitries. I will be praying for this/him.
Click on March 23rd's podcast: A Wife for Isaac.
Make sure to listen to the whole thing. Wonderful.
In conclusion:
I want to marry someone in minitries. I will be praying for this/him.
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
To try and express these past few days...
...is impossible but I will try.
Up and down it has been that's for sure.
I have been struggling with doubt recently. Doubt in God, who He is and what His plans are for me. I've been doubting myself, who I am, will I ever make it out of this rut I've been stuck in for several years now, and much less make it out alive. I find I even doubt in my friends and family and their capaiblites of excepting who I am inside and out. Could anyone possibly understand what I'm thinking, what I'm feeling? Turns out, yes.
I have had the pleasure of getting to know new and old friends on a more deeper level these past few days and it has been quite rewarding. Because of them I have been reminded of several different things. 1) God is the creator of all things. He makes everything perfect in His image. I am one of those things He created. To say I am trash is an insult against Him, for I am His, His beautiful creation. 2) The constant pain I feel, the struggles I face, they will be continuous. But God puts those things there in order for you to grow and perservere. He wants to "tape up those tears" in your life, that is just one magnificent way He shows His love for us: to care for us and pick us back up, constantly. 3) God saved me. Period. He doesn't care about my mistakes, my past. That's done. So it is up to me, my decision, to trust Him, have faith in Him, and walk with Him.
I realized today, as I was sitting through Breakaway, that I have not yet made a decision to follow God (in this moment of my life). I have before and it was wonderful. So I find myself asking why not just go for it? I already know what it's like. For some reason, I'm sitting here debating it. And I don't know why. Maybe I'm scared. I think I might be. I'm scared of what God has in store for me. I have a little hunch it's probably pretty huge. I'm starting to feel God knocking down the walls I apparently have built up. I'm still undecided if I want Him to. I know I do, but at the same time I don't. I guess I am scared. Scared of actually being capable of doing great things. Sounds odd, but it's true.
Up and down it has been that's for sure.
I have been struggling with doubt recently. Doubt in God, who He is and what His plans are for me. I've been doubting myself, who I am, will I ever make it out of this rut I've been stuck in for several years now, and much less make it out alive. I find I even doubt in my friends and family and their capaiblites of excepting who I am inside and out. Could anyone possibly understand what I'm thinking, what I'm feeling? Turns out, yes.
I have had the pleasure of getting to know new and old friends on a more deeper level these past few days and it has been quite rewarding. Because of them I have been reminded of several different things. 1) God is the creator of all things. He makes everything perfect in His image. I am one of those things He created. To say I am trash is an insult against Him, for I am His, His beautiful creation. 2) The constant pain I feel, the struggles I face, they will be continuous. But God puts those things there in order for you to grow and perservere. He wants to "tape up those tears" in your life, that is just one magnificent way He shows His love for us: to care for us and pick us back up, constantly. 3) God saved me. Period. He doesn't care about my mistakes, my past. That's done. So it is up to me, my decision, to trust Him, have faith in Him, and walk with Him.
I realized today, as I was sitting through Breakaway, that I have not yet made a decision to follow God (in this moment of my life). I have before and it was wonderful. So I find myself asking why not just go for it? I already know what it's like. For some reason, I'm sitting here debating it. And I don't know why. Maybe I'm scared. I think I might be. I'm scared of what God has in store for me. I have a little hunch it's probably pretty huge. I'm starting to feel God knocking down the walls I apparently have built up. I'm still undecided if I want Him to. I know I do, but at the same time I don't. I guess I am scared. Scared of actually being capable of doing great things. Sounds odd, but it's true.
Friday, March 19, 2010
Day Two
I hate being this way. One thing that happens that hurts me just a little ruins my day completely. All I can think about is 'what did I do wrong?'. All day long. That happened when I woke up this morning. I recieved 3 nice long text messages from someone making it clear they did not want to speak, see, or anything with me. All I did was try checking on them last night. I'm not the type of person who just stops talking to someone, even exes. You grow to know that person, their secrets, their desires. I don't understand how someone can just end a relationship and erase them from their lives. I want to know they are doing okay. I guess I need to learn to erase them? Apparently this person hates me with everything they have. Why? Yes, this was an ex (I'm sure you've guessed this by now). But our relationship didn't end badly (at least in my opinion). So what did I do wrong? I followed you God, I did what you told me to do. I hate this! All that is running through my head is he hates me. FYI I hate (strong word, but it is very much apporpriate) when someone dislikes me for something, or I make someone upset. I have to fix. I have to. It may take me a few weeks, even months, to fight back the stubborness in me but that doesn't mean I'm not deeply hurting over it inside. People tell me, why do you care? Who cares what people think of you. That's garbage. Name me one person who does not even care (just a little) about how someone feels about them. For me it is taken to the extreme. I HATE it! A battle of accusations and confusion is constantly raging in my mind. Here is just a glimpse of it:
"You did it again.
What? What did I do?
Everything. He hates you.
But why?
You're not good enough. You made them mad. You broke their heart. You were suppose to love them. You were suppose to make them happy. Be there for them. But you left them. You don't care about them.
But I do! I care so much. I just did what God told me to do.
Doesn't matter.
Why? Why doesn't it matter.
They still hate you. You still screwed up Amanda. You screwed up big time.
Maybe I did.
You did. No question about it. You are a big screw up.
I know.
You should know. You do it a lot. With everything. You can't do anything right.
I thought I could.
No, you can't. Look at your friends. Yeah they love you but some hated you at one point right?
But I fixed it.
Doesn't matter.
Why doesn't it matter!! I don't understand!
Just forget about it. You are making it worse.
I can't forget about it now.
Of course you can't because you screwed up again."
People ask me, friends ask me, how can you possible think I hate you.
Well there is your answer dear friends.
I've had this battle in my head time and time again. It happens everytime something bad happens: I make a friend upset, I hurt someones feelings, I have to break up with someone, I can't make the right decision, etc.
Except the conversation skyrockets to the extreme. This is only how it starts. Believe me, it goes on...all.day.long. Why do I seem down sometimes. Because Satan is shoving this crap into my head. Why do I explode in anger sometimes? Because I'm being constantly reminded I just hurt something/someone. I HATE hurting people. So my mind hurts me back. What sucks is I actually enjoy it. I want to hurt. I want to feel like trash and I'm not worth anything. I deserve it right? God says no. But I don't believe that right now.
I'll do what I can to fight this conversation today. I have a long drive ahead of me so that is very unlikely. I guess we will see.
"You did it again.
What? What did I do?
Everything. He hates you.
But why?
You're not good enough. You made them mad. You broke their heart. You were suppose to love them. You were suppose to make them happy. Be there for them. But you left them. You don't care about them.
But I do! I care so much. I just did what God told me to do.
Doesn't matter.
Why? Why doesn't it matter.
They still hate you. You still screwed up Amanda. You screwed up big time.
Maybe I did.
You did. No question about it. You are a big screw up.
I know.
You should know. You do it a lot. With everything. You can't do anything right.
I thought I could.
No, you can't. Look at your friends. Yeah they love you but some hated you at one point right?
But I fixed it.
Doesn't matter.
Why doesn't it matter!! I don't understand!
Just forget about it. You are making it worse.
I can't forget about it now.
Of course you can't because you screwed up again."
People ask me, friends ask me, how can you possible think I hate you.
Well there is your answer dear friends.
I've had this battle in my head time and time again. It happens everytime something bad happens: I make a friend upset, I hurt someones feelings, I have to break up with someone, I can't make the right decision, etc.
Except the conversation skyrockets to the extreme. This is only how it starts. Believe me, it goes on...all.day.long. Why do I seem down sometimes. Because Satan is shoving this crap into my head. Why do I explode in anger sometimes? Because I'm being constantly reminded I just hurt something/someone. I HATE hurting people. So my mind hurts me back. What sucks is I actually enjoy it. I want to hurt. I want to feel like trash and I'm not worth anything. I deserve it right? God says no. But I don't believe that right now.
I'll do what I can to fight this conversation today. I have a long drive ahead of me so that is very unlikely. I guess we will see.
Thursday, March 18, 2010
Day One
Hope.
What does it even mean? I find myself asking this question a lot. My guitar mentor always told me I needed to find hope, I never had the courage to actually ask her what it even truly meant. According to Webster's dictionary, hope means "to cherish a desire with anticipation". One of dictionary.com's defintions of hope reads "to look forward to with desire and reasonable confidence; to believe, desire, or trust". You think I would know since I got it tattooed on my wrist. I know it's something positive...right? To trust. I lack that. To believe? Believe what? In God? Who He is? What He is doing? I think I believe. I know He's there, but I sure don't feel Him. And His plans for my life? I wish I knew them. To cherish a desire? What's my desire? What's your desire?
I was looking through some music videos today and came across one that caught my attention. It is a live concert of Fireflight, one of my favorite bands. I like Dawn Michele's version of hope best:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mXuLPQQbj8U&feature=related
God is hope.
"When He looks at you, He doesn't see your mistakes, He doesn't see your past. He sees this great hope. He sees everything that you can be, everything that He made you to be. And the good news is God never fails."
~Dawn Michele
It's my first day to write and I do not know what to say other than I'm stuck. Fireflight puts it so well in their song "Forever": I am in the lost and found sitting on the shelf. But maybe not quite to the found part yet.
What does it even mean? I find myself asking this question a lot. My guitar mentor always told me I needed to find hope, I never had the courage to actually ask her what it even truly meant. According to Webster's dictionary, hope means "to cherish a desire with anticipation". One of dictionary.com's defintions of hope reads "to look forward to with desire and reasonable confidence; to believe, desire, or trust". You think I would know since I got it tattooed on my wrist. I know it's something positive...right? To trust. I lack that. To believe? Believe what? In God? Who He is? What He is doing? I think I believe. I know He's there, but I sure don't feel Him. And His plans for my life? I wish I knew them. To cherish a desire? What's my desire? What's your desire?
I was looking through some music videos today and came across one that caught my attention. It is a live concert of Fireflight, one of my favorite bands. I like Dawn Michele's version of hope best:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mXuLPQQbj8U&feature=related
God is hope.
"When He looks at you, He doesn't see your mistakes, He doesn't see your past. He sees this great hope. He sees everything that you can be, everything that He made you to be. And the good news is God never fails."
~Dawn Michele
It's my first day to write and I do not know what to say other than I'm stuck. Fireflight puts it so well in their song "Forever": I am in the lost and found sitting on the shelf. But maybe not quite to the found part yet.
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
Introduction
My name is Amanda Yarbrough and I am 22 years old. To give you a little bit about my background: I was born into an amazing family. I have a younger sister, Lauren, who is about to graduate from high school now and I could not be more blessed to have her as my sister. She is my best friend. Both my parents are such amazing people and could not love me more than they do now. I was raised in a very grounded, Christian home and attended church on a regular basis. I accepted Christ when I was 8 years of age and tried to follow Him daily. As I entered into high school, it wasn't until my sophomore year that I truly began to understand the meaning of a relationship with Christ. My walk with Him sky-rocketed and it sailed high as I progressed through the high school chapters of my life. I graduated Hutto High School at the age of 18 and futhered my education at Texas A&M University where I will now be receiving my diploma of Bachelor of Arts in Sociology this May. My walk with Christ throughout my college experience was a dramatic difference compared to high school. It was a struggle and yet a rewarding journey. I learned a lot and grew much, but my walk with Christ fell below the line of extrodinary, even average. It has been a constant struggle to regain it the past few years; many ups and downs along the way. My sophomore year I was diagnosed with mild depression and was suggested to seek counseling along with the daily doses of medication. At first I refused to accept what I was told, I did not want to believe something was "wrong" with me, but eventually, after much discussion with family and professional help, I opened up to it and learned to accept it. But just because I had accepted it did not mean I knew how to deal with it. What was mild evetually turned into severe a year later and became somewhat of an extremely huge problem. It affected not only myself, but my friends and family as well. It got better to only get even more worse; all the way to the point that I had my death planned out. Knowing God and having the family He has given me is the only reason I am here today, but that doesn't mean everything is okay. To bring you up to speed with where I am now, I can say I've been hiding behind a mask for quite some time. I want others to see me as a happy, fun-loving, and spirited young woman, but it is only a longing for that I have right now. About a week ago, Satan took reigns on my heart and my mind and worked what power he has to destroy me. He got fairly close.
I wanted to start this blog, which will probably turn into a novel, because I am not only tired of hiding, but I want to be brutally honest with my friends, my family, and the world of the affects of depression. Along with that, I hope to find my God again. The way I use to know Him and I want you to take the journey with me. (But only if you want to of course.) Some blogs may be graphic and possibly disturbing, but that's what comes along with facing depression. I will be honest with my thoughts, my feelings, my wants, my desires, and my dreams. And I pray I find God along the way.
I wanted to start this blog, which will probably turn into a novel, because I am not only tired of hiding, but I want to be brutally honest with my friends, my family, and the world of the affects of depression. Along with that, I hope to find my God again. The way I use to know Him and I want you to take the journey with me. (But only if you want to of course.) Some blogs may be graphic and possibly disturbing, but that's what comes along with facing depression. I will be honest with my thoughts, my feelings, my wants, my desires, and my dreams. And I pray I find God along the way.
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