To try and express these past few days...

...is impossible but I will try.

Up and down it has been that's for sure.

I have been struggling with doubt recently. Doubt in God, who He is and what His plans are for me. I've been doubting myself, who I am, will I ever make it out of this rut I've been stuck in for several years now, and much less make it out alive. I find I even doubt in my friends and family and their capaiblites of excepting who I am inside and out. Could anyone possibly understand what I'm thinking, what I'm feeling? Turns out, yes.

I have had the pleasure of getting to know new and old friends on a more deeper level these past few days and it has been quite rewarding. Because of them I have been reminded of several different things. 1) God is the creator of all things. He makes everything perfect in His image. I am one of those things He created. To say I am trash is an insult against Him, for I am His, His beautiful creation. 2) The constant pain I feel, the struggles I face, they will be continuous. But God puts those things there in order for you to grow and perservere. He wants to "tape up those tears" in your life, that is just one magnificent way He shows His love for us: to care for us and pick us back up, constantly. 3) God saved me. Period. He doesn't care about my mistakes, my past. That's done. So it is up to me, my decision, to trust Him, have faith in Him, and walk with Him.

I realized today, as I was sitting through Breakaway, that I have not yet made a decision to follow God (in this moment of my life). I have before and it was wonderful. So I find myself asking why not just go for it? I already know what it's like. For some reason, I'm sitting here debating it. And I don't know why. Maybe I'm scared. I think I might be. I'm scared of what God has in store for me. I have a little hunch it's probably pretty huge. I'm starting to feel God knocking down the walls I apparently have built up. I'm still undecided if I want Him to. I know I do, but at the same time I don't. I guess I am scared. Scared of actually being capable of doing great things. Sounds odd, but it's true.