Since I can't express it in my own words...

I have chosen this song to do it for me. :)

Beautiful, Beautiful
by: Francesa Battistelli

Don't know how it is You looked at me
And saw the person that I could be
Awakening my heart
Breaking through the dark
Suddenly Your grace

Like sunlight burning at midnight
Making my life something so
Beautiful, beautiful
Mercy reaching to save me
All that I need
You are so
Beautiful, beautiful

Now there's a joy inside I can't contain
But even perfect days can end in rain
And though it's pouring down
I see You through the clouds
Shining on my face

Like sunlight burning at midnight
Making my life something so
Beautiful, beautiful
Mercy reaching to save me
All that I need
You are so
Beautiful, beautiful

I have come undone
But I have just begun
Changing by Your grace

Like sunlight burning at midnight
Making my life something so
Beautiful, beautiful
Mercy reaching to save me
All that I need
You are so beautiful

Like sunlight burning at midnight
Making my life something so
Beautiful, beautiful
Mercy reaching to save me
All that I need
You are so
Beautiful, beautiful
Beautiful, beautiful

I write to you in candle light...

Literally.
And can I just say it is absolutely one of my all time favorite things to do. Light every candle in my room (and might I add, I have a lot), play some Explosions In The Sky on the iHome, and go with it.
Tonight I painted.

Please, take a listen...

http://breakawayministries.org/resources/?tab=3#TabbedPanels1
Click on March 23rd's podcast: A Wife for Isaac.
Make sure to listen to the whole thing. Wonderful.

In conclusion:
I want to marry someone in minitries. I will be praying for this/him.

To try and express these past few days...

...is impossible but I will try.

Up and down it has been that's for sure.

I have been struggling with doubt recently. Doubt in God, who He is and what His plans are for me. I've been doubting myself, who I am, will I ever make it out of this rut I've been stuck in for several years now, and much less make it out alive. I find I even doubt in my friends and family and their capaiblites of excepting who I am inside and out. Could anyone possibly understand what I'm thinking, what I'm feeling? Turns out, yes.

I have had the pleasure of getting to know new and old friends on a more deeper level these past few days and it has been quite rewarding. Because of them I have been reminded of several different things. 1) God is the creator of all things. He makes everything perfect in His image. I am one of those things He created. To say I am trash is an insult against Him, for I am His, His beautiful creation. 2) The constant pain I feel, the struggles I face, they will be continuous. But God puts those things there in order for you to grow and perservere. He wants to "tape up those tears" in your life, that is just one magnificent way He shows His love for us: to care for us and pick us back up, constantly. 3) God saved me. Period. He doesn't care about my mistakes, my past. That's done. So it is up to me, my decision, to trust Him, have faith in Him, and walk with Him.

I realized today, as I was sitting through Breakaway, that I have not yet made a decision to follow God (in this moment of my life). I have before and it was wonderful. So I find myself asking why not just go for it? I already know what it's like. For some reason, I'm sitting here debating it. And I don't know why. Maybe I'm scared. I think I might be. I'm scared of what God has in store for me. I have a little hunch it's probably pretty huge. I'm starting to feel God knocking down the walls I apparently have built up. I'm still undecided if I want Him to. I know I do, but at the same time I don't. I guess I am scared. Scared of actually being capable of doing great things. Sounds odd, but it's true.

Day Two

I hate being this way. One thing that happens that hurts me just a little ruins my day completely. All I can think about is 'what did I do wrong?'. All day long. That happened when I woke up this morning. I recieved 3 nice long text messages from someone making it clear they did not want to speak, see, or anything with me. All I did was try checking on them last night. I'm not the type of person who just stops talking to someone, even exes. You grow to know that person, their secrets, their desires. I don't understand how someone can just end a relationship and erase them from their lives. I want to know they are doing okay. I guess I need to learn to erase them? Apparently this person hates me with everything they have. Why? Yes, this was an ex (I'm sure you've guessed this by now). But our relationship didn't end badly (at least in my opinion). So what did I do wrong? I followed you God, I did what you told me to do. I hate this! All that is running through my head is he hates me. FYI I hate (strong word, but it is very much apporpriate) when someone dislikes me for something, or I make someone upset. I have to fix. I have to. It may take me a few weeks, even months, to fight back the stubborness in me but that doesn't mean I'm not deeply hurting over it inside. People tell me, why do you care? Who cares what people think of you. That's garbage. Name me one person who does not even care (just a little) about how someone feels about them. For me it is taken to the extreme. I HATE it! A battle of accusations and confusion is constantly raging in my mind. Here is just a glimpse of it:

"You did it again.
What? What did I do?
Everything. He hates you.
But why?
You're not good enough. You made them mad. You broke their heart. You were suppose to love them. You were suppose to make them happy. Be there for them. But you left them. You don't care about them.
But I do! I care so much. I just did what God told me to do.
Doesn't matter.
Why? Why doesn't it matter.
They still hate you. You still screwed up Amanda. You screwed up big time.
Maybe I did.
You did. No question about it. You are a big screw up.
I know.
You should know. You do it a lot. With everything. You can't do anything right.
I thought I could.
No, you can't. Look at your friends. Yeah they love you but some hated you at one point right?
But I fixed it.
Doesn't matter.
Why doesn't it matter!! I don't understand!
Just forget about it. You are making it worse.
I can't forget about it now.
Of course you can't because you screwed up again."


People ask me, friends ask me, how can you possible think I hate you.
Well there is your answer dear friends.
I've had this battle in my head time and time again. It happens everytime something bad happens: I make a friend upset, I hurt someones feelings, I have to break up with someone, I can't make the right decision, etc.
Except the conversation skyrockets to the extreme. This is only how it starts. Believe me, it goes on...all.day.long. Why do I seem down sometimes. Because Satan is shoving this crap into my head. Why do I explode in anger sometimes? Because I'm being constantly reminded I just hurt something/someone. I HATE hurting people. So my mind hurts me back. What sucks is I actually enjoy it. I want to hurt. I want to feel like trash and I'm not worth anything. I deserve it right? God says no. But I don't believe that right now.

I'll do what I can to fight this conversation today. I have a long drive ahead of me so that is very unlikely. I guess we will see.

Day One

Hope.

What does it even mean? I find myself asking this question a lot. My guitar mentor always told me I needed to find hope, I never had the courage to actually ask her what it even truly meant. According to Webster's dictionary, hope means "to cherish a desire with anticipation". One of dictionary.com's defintions of hope reads "to look forward to with desire and reasonable confidence; to believe, desire, or trust". You think I would know since I got it tattooed on my wrist. I know it's something positive...right? To trust. I lack that. To believe? Believe what? In God? Who He is? What He is doing? I think I believe. I know He's there, but I sure don't feel Him. And His plans for my life? I wish I knew them. To cherish a desire? What's my desire? What's your desire?

I was looking through some music videos today and came across one that caught my attention. It is a live concert of Fireflight, one of my favorite bands. I like Dawn Michele's version of hope best:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mXuLPQQbj8U&feature=related

God is hope.
"When He looks at you, He doesn't see your mistakes, He doesn't see your past. He sees this great hope. He sees everything that you can be, everything that He made you to be. And the good news is God never fails."
~Dawn Michele

It's my first day to write and I do not know what to say other than I'm stuck. Fireflight puts it so well in their song "Forever": I am in the lost and found sitting on the shelf. But maybe not quite to the found part yet.

Introduction

My name is Amanda Yarbrough and I am 22 years old. To give you a little bit about my background: I was born into an amazing family. I have a younger sister, Lauren, who is about to graduate from high school now and I could not be more blessed to have her as my sister. She is my best friend. Both my parents are such amazing people and could not love me more than they do now. I was raised in a very grounded, Christian home and attended church on a regular basis. I accepted Christ when I was 8 years of age and tried to follow Him daily. As I entered into high school, it wasn't until my sophomore year that I truly began to understand the meaning of a relationship with Christ. My walk with Him sky-rocketed and it sailed high as I progressed through the high school chapters of my life. I graduated Hutto High School at the age of 18 and futhered my education at Texas A&M University where I will now be receiving my diploma of Bachelor of Arts in Sociology this May. My walk with Christ throughout my college experience was a dramatic difference compared to high school. It was a struggle and yet a rewarding journey. I learned a lot and grew much, but my walk with Christ fell below the line of extrodinary, even average. It has been a constant struggle to regain it the past few years; many ups and downs along the way. My sophomore year I was diagnosed with mild depression and was suggested to seek counseling along with the daily doses of medication. At first I refused to accept what I was told, I did not want to believe something was "wrong" with me, but eventually, after much discussion with family and professional help, I opened up to it and learned to accept it. But just because I had accepted it did not mean I knew how to deal with it. What was mild evetually turned into severe a year later and became somewhat of an extremely huge problem. It affected not only myself, but my friends and family as well. It got better to only get even more worse; all the way to the point that I had my death planned out. Knowing God and having the family He has given me is the only reason I am here today, but that doesn't mean everything is okay. To bring you up to speed with where I am now, I can say I've been hiding behind a mask for quite some time. I want others to see me as a happy, fun-loving, and spirited young woman, but it is only a longing for that I have right now. About a week ago, Satan took reigns on my heart and my mind and worked what power he has to destroy me. He got fairly close.

I wanted to start this blog, which will probably turn into a novel, because I am not only tired of hiding, but I want to be brutally honest with my friends, my family, and the world of the affects of depression. Along with that, I hope to find my God again. The way I use to know Him and I want you to take the journey with me. (But only if you want to of course.) Some blogs may be graphic and possibly disturbing, but that's what comes along with facing depression. I will be honest with my thoughts, my feelings, my wants, my desires, and my dreams. And I pray I find God along the way.