I hate being this way. One thing that happens that hurts me just a little ruins my day completely. All I can think about is 'what did I do wrong?'. All day long. That happened when I woke up this morning. I recieved 3 nice long text messages from someone making it clear they did not want to speak, see, or anything with me. All I did was try checking on them last night. I'm not the type of person who just stops talking to someone, even exes. You grow to know that person, their secrets, their desires. I don't understand how someone can just end a relationship and erase them from their lives. I want to know they are doing okay. I guess I need to learn to erase them? Apparently this person hates me with everything they have. Why? Yes, this was an ex (I'm sure you've guessed this by now). But our relationship didn't end badly (at least in my opinion). So what did I do wrong? I followed you God, I did what you told me to do. I hate this! All that is running through my head is he hates me. FYI I hate (strong word, but it is very much apporpriate) when someone dislikes me for something, or I make someone upset. I have to fix. I have to. It may take me a few weeks, even months, to fight back the stubborness in me but that doesn't mean I'm not deeply hurting over it inside. People tell me, why do you care? Who cares what people think of you. That's garbage. Name me one person who does not even care (just a little) about how someone feels about them. For me it is taken to the extreme. I HATE it! A battle of accusations and confusion is constantly raging in my mind. Here is just a glimpse of it:
"You did it again.
What? What did I do?
Everything. He hates you.
But why?
You're not good enough. You made them mad. You broke their heart. You were suppose to love them. You were suppose to make them happy. Be there for them. But you left them. You don't care about them.
But I do! I care so much. I just did what God told me to do.
Doesn't matter.
Why? Why doesn't it matter.
They still hate you. You still screwed up Amanda. You screwed up big time.
Maybe I did.
You did. No question about it. You are a big screw up.
I know.
You should know. You do it a lot. With everything. You can't do anything right.
I thought I could.
No, you can't. Look at your friends. Yeah they love you but some hated you at one point right?
But I fixed it.
Doesn't matter.
Why doesn't it matter!! I don't understand!
Just forget about it. You are making it worse.
I can't forget about it now.
Of course you can't because you screwed up again."
People ask me, friends ask me, how can you possible think I hate you.
Well there is your answer dear friends.
I've had this battle in my head time and time again. It happens everytime something bad happens: I make a friend upset, I hurt someones feelings, I have to break up with someone, I can't make the right decision, etc.
Except the conversation skyrockets to the extreme. This is only how it starts. Believe me, it goes on...all.day.long. Why do I seem down sometimes. Because Satan is shoving this crap into my head. Why do I explode in anger sometimes? Because I'm being constantly reminded I just hurt something/someone. I HATE hurting people. So my mind hurts me back. What sucks is I actually enjoy it. I want to hurt. I want to feel like trash and I'm not worth anything. I deserve it right? God says no. But I don't believe that right now.
I'll do what I can to fight this conversation today. I have a long drive ahead of me so that is very unlikely. I guess we will see.
Howdy, Amanda, it's Jeremy from your Impact camp way back when (remember the really tall guy?).
ReplyDeleteI've been through this, back in my freshman and sophomore years. I remember these conversations in your mind, the ones you feel powerless to stop, the ones that invade your sleep and dominate your day. I remember wanting to hurt myself, I remember the constant emotional self-abuse. I remember the times where my mind started to plan my own death and having just enough of my rational mind to be horrified and begin fighting back.
I have good news: you're already on the right track. You've already realized how this pattern of behavior is a problem, how it's affecting the people around you, and most importantly, how it's keeping you from being the person you want to be. So keep fighting.
Fight the voices in your head. See a psychologist (the Student Counseling Service on campus is amazing, and no one has to know you're there), I know it helped me to sort through my own issues. Get stronger in your faith. Find friends who can and will help you through this.
Learn that sometimes you can't fix everything. Learn that sometimes things are better left unsaid or undone.
Learn that this depression doesn't have to control you, you can control it. I can't sugar-coat this, it does take a lot of time and it does take a lot of effort. But you can beat this, and you will come out on the other side a much stronger and more empathetic person.
I'm afraid I don't know you well enough to address any specific issues (1. I wouldn't anyway in such a public forum, 2. That's what your close friends and support structure are for), but I am willing to answer any questions and try to help in that regard.
I admire your honesty.
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